April 1st, 2004
I got a chain mail. It's heart-rending:
In these troubled times of danger for democracy and the freedoms that we all cherish, every one of us must do what we can to thwart the enemy, wherever he may be hiding.
As a result of Iraqi and Al-Qaeda atomic and chemical warfare programs, which have saturated the air of our planet with radiation and unknown poisons, Lucy-Jo Wingbanger, of Alisonville, Maine has contracted cancer of the golden curls of her hair. Her only hope is an experimental radiation therapy available only in a former underground nuclear testing facility in Nevada. Her parents are a pair of losers who could only afford to spend half of their income on a cheap health insurance scheme which does not cover the astronomical costs of the therapy.
If Lucy-Jo dies, this will be a triumph for people who hate freedom!
So send this message to all your friends within three days. It will help Lucy-Jo and it will bring them luck:
- If they marry royalty, they will (1) live and (2) happily ever after
- if they go on holiday, they will not be given deep cavity searches and locked up in solitary confinement for weeks on end without recourse to a lawyer (US destinations). Nor will they be blown to bloody tatters by a suicide bomber (non-US destinations)
- their intimate telephone conversations will not be taped by the police, even if they were once on the same bus as a graduate of an Al-Qaeda summer camp
- their country will not be liberated.
Please add your name and address to the bottom of this message when you send it. When there are 500 names and addresses on it, send it to firstname.lastname@example.org. (If your name is Osama, please send it immediately.) If you do not add your name and address you will be in violation of the Motherhood and Apple Pie Act and liable to indefinite imprisonment without trial in a used battery chicken cage.